MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND TODAY WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT’S 1599
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESU CHRISTE
Down here in Texas, the death penalty is sort of a big deal right now.
Now while I’m not trying to express any opinions about Mr. Perry…
It seems like he would have appreciated the execution system in times gone by. During the middle ages, it was common practice in Europe and the British Isles (And later in America) to put animals through trial and condemn them to death for hurting or killing a human. 
As a matter of fact, the French parliament (which was the highest court in the land at the time) once ordered the execution of a cow.
It was hanged, then burned at the stake.
Mmm, burgers. 
FTHISBROI’MOUTTAHERE
Is that a bible in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
In the olden days of early English theatre, actresses were underpaid, and by underpaid I don’t mean getting 12 million instead of 20 million.
They literally weren’t earning enough money to live on, so most of them had to take another job of some sort in order to put food on the table. And when you’re a woman several centuries before the Women’s Rights movement, you don’t really have many job options. Therefore, most turned to prostitution, until the word ‘actress’ became almost synonymous with ‘whore’ (which bears a striking similarity to today, for that matter). Now, the clergymen of the time used to spend quite a good chunk of time with these actresses…trying to get them to turn away from sin, of course.
Unfortunately most of them didn’t look like this ^
Thus, a new phrase was coined for when one wanted to point out unintentional innuendo: ‘Said the actress to the bishop’. This could also be reversed for the male version, or “Said the bishop to the actress.”
Sound familiar? That’s because it was the frontrunner of today’s “That’s what she said”. And indeed, in Britain, the original is still used. So Americans, next time someone says “Man, this is really hard”, don’t say
Say “Said the actress to the bishop!”
Deep in the heart of Texas
In 1893, there was this guy living in Honey Grove, Texas, called James Ziegland. He was a total hottie and caught the eye of one Metilda Tichnor, who was a southern belle if there ever was one. They got engaged, were sickeningly happy, and set a date for the wedding. However, only a few days before the wedding actually took place, Ziegland broke off the engagement. Ms. Tichnor was of course devastated, but she took him to court for emotional damange and sued him for all he was worth, then ran off with an actor.
Just kidding! This was the 1800’s, which means she cried a lot and then killed herself.
Now Metilda had a brother, Phil Tichnor, and he was understandably somewhat upset that his sister was now 6 feet under. So he came to Ziegland’s ranch waving his gun around, insulted him for a while, then finally shot him. Unfortunately, the Tichnor family appears to have been the sensitive type, because Phil was suddenly overcome with guilt for killing Mr. Ziegland and shot himself in the head as well.
The thing is, Ziegland wasn’t dead. The bullet had simply grazed his cheek and then buried itself in a tree. Ziegland had just sunk to the ground in pain because he was a pansy.
Ziegland proceeded to prove he had no soul by marrying a filthy rich widow and not seeming to have a problem with the fact that he’d caused the deaths of two people. Maybe he was a ginger.
Fastforward to 1913. Ziegland now has a Ziegland Jr. and is living a happy little life on the same ranch. But he decides he doesn’t like that tree still being there, the one that Phil’s bullet was still lodged in. So he tries to cut it down. When that doesn’t work, he figures the only way to get rid of it is to blow it up.
Ziegland enlisted the help of his son, got some dynamite, and used it to split the tree. This worked remarkably well for something that sounds like an accident waiting to happen, and no one was blown up.
However, the the blast dislodged the bullet still stuck in the tree with so much force that it sailed through the air, pierced Ziegland’s head, and killed him. Twenty years after it was supposed to.
Let this be a lesson to all not to mess with Texas girls. We’re like this
And this
And then you end up like this
BECAUSE WE APPARENTLY CONTROL FATE ITSELF
When in Rome…
Caligula (Roman Emperor from 37 to 41 AD) was a lot like politicians today, and by that I mean he was described as a good and moderate ruler for the first two years of his reign then went completely off the deep end and became a murderous tyrant who thought he was a god.
And after he decided he was a god, he decided he was a god who was pissed off at Neptune, god of the sea. So he was like
Of course, the natural solution to this was to gather his army together, drill them, get them battle-ready…then have them go throw their spears as far as they could into the ocean.
And Neptune was just like
And then like
So I’m just trying this out…
…And seeing how it goes. :P
